Last Straw

It’s now been about a month and a half since Pawpaw (my maternal grandfather) passed away. My mother’s actions or lack there of were visible for everyone to see, not just me. For the past 44 years, the remarks, the silent treatment, the looks of disgust and hatred towards me, the outburst, the yelling, the constant accusations, the sneaky story telling (spreading rumors), were always done behind closed doors. Hey mom. your mask is slipping.

On December 19th, I got the call I knew was coming, but it was the call I had been dreading. This is how my mother broke the news to me. “Pawpaw has fallen. Because of the blood thinners, he has a brain bleed. He is at home on hospice so he can be comfortable.” I was stunned. The call caught me off guard. My husband and I were driving from Michigan to Texas with our granddaughter for the holidays. We still had 12 hours or so to go. My hands were tied, I couldn’t go do the only thing I know to do when there’s so much information to process and so many questions, and that’s stay busy. I can’t stay busy in a truck. Alone with my thoughts. So many questions. The next call I received was from my Aunt Cissy, my Pawpaw’s sister. She wanted to make sure that I was aware of what was going on with Pawpaw. I told her that my mom had just called me. Here’s the catch, Pawpaw had fallen THREE days before my mother called me. He fell while I was still in Texas, HOURS before I got on the plane to head to Michigan. I would have never left. I would have been right there by his side.My intrusive thoughts went straight into overdrive. Why didn’t my mom tell me sooner? Before I could even finish that thought, I countered with “she’s got a lot on her plate.” Making excuses for her actions. I’ve done that more times than I can count. I only ever wanted to see the good in her. I forced myself to believe that it was all in my head. The death of my grandfather, her father, showed me everything I had been denying. My mom showed me just what she is capable of.

We made it home to Texas. I had been communicating with my mother on the best time to head over to Pawpaw’s so that I would have the chance to say my goodbyes,

The emotional pain is so extreme and intense that it hurts to exist. I don’t know what’s worse, the missed moments with Pawpaw, or knowing that my mom intentionally made sure I missed those moments.

Each time we spoke, she’d give me a later time, and then a later time, even went as far as to tell me that she was in Dallas, making a couple of stops, one being Starbucks (priorities), to meet her in a couple of hours. A little over an hour later, she calls to tell me Pawpaw had already passed away. I still didn’t put two and two together. But when that math started mathing, I couldn’t lie to myself any longer. I could see my mother and her actions clearly. I couldn’t make excuses for her, not this time.

• He fell Wednesday morning, 7 am ish, mom called me Friday evening, 6 ish.
• My brother had time to catch a flight from Colorado, and see Pawpaw TWICE before my mom even called to let me know.
• Mom was in Dallas, a trip a little shy of two hours, but she made it there in a little over an hour, after the two stops? You weren’t in Dallas, found that out from another family member.

It gets better.

I haven’t been to a lot of funerals, a few family members, great grandparents, my grandmother when I was super you, so I am not too familiar with the logistics of who does what when it comes to a funeral. I before I left Pawpaw’s, I told her that my husband and I would purchase a flower arrangement. Mom replied with she would take care of it. I told her just let me know how much it is, and we will pay for it. She agreed. The funeral wasn’t going to before Christmas, which either way, the holidays were hard. I hadn’t heard from my mom until the 26th or so, in which she sent me a very cut and dry text, informing me of the date and the time of the funeral and visitation and that if anything changed she would keep me posted. Didn’t mention anything about the flowers. Knowing my mother, and the shady shit I know she is capable of doing, I told my husband that we just going to go to a local first and order them ourselves. That florist just happened to be the same florist that my mother had reached out to about flowers for the funeral. I didn’t mention to my mom that I had ordered flowers. The obituary made it to the local paper about the same time, maybe the 27th, and that little voice in my head told me to make sure I had the correct schedule according to what was printed in the paper. I didn’t, and I guess my mom didn’t think that was important.

Day before the funeral, still haven’t heard anything else from my mom. I sent her a text and asked her if she would bring a photo album to me that came from my great grandparents. She told me “I’m not sure which one, are you sure I have it?” Yes I am sure! She and I had a conversation not too long ago about this photo album. She literally described it as “the photo album that documents every day of the first three years of your life photo album.” Ghosted me, She didn’t reply. A couple of hours later, I sent her a couple more texts, one letting her know that we ordered flowers, and one telling her that I got the correct times from the obituary. Still nothing, crickets from my mother’s end.

There’s more to my grandfather’s funeral. She left me and my family out of the memorial video. When she did speak to me at the funeral it was with anger and for what, I have no clue. I told her I forgave her…. she shrugged me off and said “whatever Kelly.” At that point, I was forgiving her for the last 44 years, but she reached out to my husband and my daughters with her realization that she didn’t include us in the video. Still managed to place the blame on everyone around her. It was a good thing I ordered the flowers, my mom didn’t “take care of it” like she said she would. For the first time I knew what to expect from my mother.