About

My name is kelly and I am the official scapegoat in my mother’s twisted narcissistic reality. I can’t pinpoint exactly when all the questions began or all the confusion began. as to when this all started, there’s really no telling. I just remember thinking to myself “I am just one of those people that never catches a break.” murphey’s law is how i best described my life. little did I know, my mom was pulling all the strings in the background. every time I went to her for advice, or to just talk about things that were going on, within a week, that tiny minuscule of an issue, would become detrimental. to the point where all I felt was despair and hopelessness. and in those moments, I would once again confide in my mom. what child, teen, young adult wouldn’t confide in their mom? moms are supposed to be loving, nurturing, and especially not feel joy from seeing their child going through a difficult time. to this day, i cannot fathom treating anyone, not even a stranger, let alone my own kid, the way she treated me.

I decided to start this blog because I need to get all these intrusive thoughts out of my head so I can’t move on, it’s not fair to me to have to constantly be reminded every single day of the intentional pain she inflicted up me. not physical pain, but a pain that resonates through the core of my body and soul. a constant ache in my heart. mourning for the mother that I thought I had, the mother that I so desperately wanted. the mother that my brothers had. so, here I find myself, unfiltered, documenting the memories as they resurface. and there are a lot of them. some so disturbing I find it hard to trust myself or my memories.

to whomever finds themselves reading this, and you are or have gone through similar experiences, I want you to know that you deserve better. how you were/are treated by the woman that above all was to protect you, it wasn’t and isn’t your fault that she fell short. nothing she said to you. all those jabs, all the pain and hurt, that’s all her. no one else. just her. I am still processing it. still sorting through the bullshit. I am still coming to terms with the fact that she has isolated me from anyone that was of any importance in my life. I am 44 years old, it’s time to take control of my life, my feelings, my happiness. I still love my mother, that will never change. I just have to love her from a “no contact, keep at a far distance” kind of way. and it’s time to quit living under false pretenses and tell my side of the story about the Jackie I know, my mommy not so dearest.